Harry Potter and the Cursed Child scarred me for life

Warning : Spoilers ahead

My thoughts on this book can be summarised by one emoji – 亢

Seriously, if you love the HP series and it’s been a big part of your life – DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. I am not kidding in any way. The plot is more hole than plot, the old characters are so unrecognisable, the new ones are annoying and not likeable at all.

I hated the villain. I hated the heroes. I hated the setting. I hated the plot. I hated literally everything about this book.

The blurb :

It was always difficult being Harry Potter and it isn’t much easier now that he is an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband and father of three school-age children.

While Harry grapples with a past that refuses to stay where it belongs, his youngest son Albus must struggle with the weight of a family legacy he never wanted. As past and present fuse ominously, both father and son learn the uncomfortable truth: sometimes, darkness comes from unexpected places.

Insanely compelling, no?

The book is basically a script for a play, so it isn’t the usual sort of stories you read, but that wasn’t the problem at all for me.

The basic plot (spoilers!)

The story revolves around Albus “Daddy Issues” Potter, Harry’s son who is put into Slytherin, makes friends (just friends, mind you!) with Draco Malfoy’s son, Scorpius Malfoy, much to the dismay of Harry.

Al hates his dad and thinks poorly of him. After witnessing Cedric’s father’s (Amos Diggory) pleas wanting Harry to restore his son, Albus decides to bring Cedric back using a very convenient Time-Turner that turned up outta nowhere.

So Albus, Scorpius and Delphi (Amos’ niece or something) all use the time turner and travel back to the Triwizard Tournament to save Cedric.

Long story short : They goof up a lot, Delphi’ s actually Voldemort’s daughter and the whole gang – old and new – stop her. Everything is sunshine & rainbows and the daddy issues stop magically, while the decades long rivalry between Harry and Draco settle down.

The Characters –

Oh boy, where can I start?

How about the Chosen One first?

I detest what they’ve done with Harry. He is a terrible parent and whenever I think he’s reached rock bottom, he digs himself deeper into the hole. Ugh.

What Harry’s become makes zero sense to me. For someone who knows how important fathers are, seeing as he didn’t have one growing up, he sure is doing a horrible job. This Harry seems alien to the one we read in the 7 books, he’s unrecognisable!

We don’t hear much of Hermione, except that she’s Minister of Magic. Good for her, I guess? She’s too bland to remember, to be honest.

As for Ron, the only thing we know is that he’s an annoying prat who was too drunk to even remember his own wedding.

Draco Malfoy’s become very one dimensional – miles away from all the complexities of his character in the sixth book. Only thing worth mentioning is that he has a ponytail. And his wife died.

As for the new characters we’re introduced to, they’re all so darn forgettable, it’s almost laughable.

In fact, I don’t even have anything to say about them at all.

Albus – Likes whining about how uncool it is being Harry Potter’s son. Constantly talks about himself and never listens to Scorpius. A pleasure to be around him. Sharp as a marble.

Scorpius – Somewhat likeable. Shy kid who has the most common sense. Definitely thinks of Albus as his best pal. Definitely. Just to make this clear to us, he has a crush on Rose. Yep. (Ron and Hermione’s daughter)

Delphi – Blander than porridge. Goals make zero sense. Makes you say “What the actual heck?!” out loud.

The Dialogue –

This book has beautiful dialogue, I have to admit. In fact, it’s so good that I have to list my favourites out here.

Ye ken th’ Auld Reekie train is running late, boys?

Station Master

If you’re waiting oan th’ Auld Reekie train, you’ll need tae ken it’s running late. Train works oan th’ line. It’s a’ oan th’ amended time buird.

Station master

I’ll patiently wait till someone deciphers this nonsense.

Harry - I have to protect my son.
Draco - From Scorpius?
Harry - Bane told me he sensed a darkness around my son. Near my son.
Draco - What are you implying, Potter?

Harry turns and looks Draco dead in the eye.

Harry - Are you sure...are you really sure he's yours, Draco?

There's a deadly silence.

Draco - You take that back...right now.

But Harry doesn't take it back. So Draco takes his wand out.

Isn’t Harry such a sweetheart?

Scorpius is sitting in his usual compartment. Albus enters first, Rose still tailing him.

Scorpius - Albus! Oh hello Rose, what do you smell of?
Rose - What do I smell of?
Scorpius - No, I meant it as a nice thing. You smell like a mixture of fresh flowers and fresh - bread.
Rose - Albus, I'm here, okay? If you need me.
Scorpius - I mean, nice bread, good bread, bread...what's wrong with bread?

Rose walks away, shaking her head.

Yikes. Pro tip for everyone wondering how to make a move – Do NOT tell someone what they smell like.

I think those examples were enough to scare away even those who’d thought of picking this book up. Please, do not put yourself under the torture of reading this book? Please do not ruin your pristine memory of the HP universe. I’m begging you.

Well, ciao for now!

10 thoughts on “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child scarred me for life

  1. What a roast 不不不
    I mean i have no personal grudges against this grudge unlike most fans but yeah, we could’ve lived without it.
    Those excerpts from the station master tho, i didn’t remember them they’re so funny 不不

    Liked by 1 person

  2. OKAY CAN I PLEASE DECLARE THIS MY MOST FAVORITE POST OF EVER??? No but seriously, i wish i’d read this BEFORE being scarred by cursed child for eternity, BECAUSE I WOULD STILL HAVE SO MANY MORE BRAINCELLS REMAINING WITHOUT THE TRASH THAT WAS THE BOOK?? plus time, but we do not usually recount the COUNTLESS hours i have spent CURSING that book over the past 2 years.

    Liked by 1 person

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